Published in segments beginning January 1st, 2026

From as early as I can remember, mom used to tell me regularly, and through gritted teeth, “You are just like your grandmother!” I didn’t know her, I had never met her, and I virtually knew nothing of her- except that based on the anger in my mom’s voice when she would accusingly say these things to me, the one thing I did know was that I would rather be anything at all except to be like her. I loved my mom and only ever wanted her to love me in return, though at so young an age, there was little to nothing that I knew how to DO to get her to love me though I would ultimately spend every moment of her life until she drew her last breath trying: still in the end, I would fail miserably.

What I did very quickly figure out was that my Daddy was completely over the moon about me, and I had to do nothing at all to earn his love, and he only ever smiled when he looked at me; in his eyes, I could do no wrong.

My parents had lost Daddy’s namesake not long before I had come along from what was called a “crib death”. And had been discovered early one morning.  They were both nearly inconsolable in their grief.

When I had come along so shortly afterwards, Daddy would not allow me to sleep alone in a crib at night but insisted that I be cradled in bed next to him every night, so that he could feel my breath and would instantly know if anything were to go wrong in the night. This logically didn’t sit well with mom, most especially given the fact that they both knew she had named me after his ex-girlfriend, whom she was still clearly having some very unhealthy memories about and feelings toward.

Mom had at some point simply made up her mind that we were all going to move across country, and leave all of our relatives, and everyone else we knew to start a new life where (this was her rational), so that they could both earn so much better an income on the West coast as opposed to in the “poverty stricken South”.  Daddy would have none of it, and I’m sure he knew her true reasons for wanting to pick us all up and get out of Dodge, so to speak.  Daddy always loved Mom and only had eyes for her from the moment they met, and he never looked back.

Truth be told, they were both drop-dead gorgeous, and being able to choose anyone they wanted, they had chosen one another; still, there was never to be a fairytale ending to the story for anyone in our family, even though we were together until the end.

On one fine day, not unlike any other I’m sure, while Daddy was off to work, Mom collected their children and her Mother, and packed us all up in the station wagon and simply left a note for Daddy saying that if he wanted to stay, he could stay, but if he wanted to live with his wife and children, then she would get word to him where he could find us once we got there.  

Daddy was a genuine man’s man, and was not about to be lead around by the nose by any woman, no matter how much he loved her, nor how beautiful she was, but... as soon as Mom had called to give him our new whereabouts, he immediately began sending most of his paychecks to her so that we would be well provided for, and he had moved out of our home, and in with one of his siblings family.

It had eventually taken me not a few years to come to what has only recently become the most obvious of all potential answers to a seemingly simple question which I had been asking God for decades. Although the answer itself was not a simple one by any means, God’s answer would prove to be the only thing that would have allowed me to keep moving forward for much longer; I had almost lost all hope of ever knowing anything that even remotely resembled a “normal” life.

If there had been a button, (I often mused), that I could simply push and it would have just put me out of my misery, and which would be neither bloody: gory, or which would have in any way traumatized anyone else- I was reasonably certain that I would have pushed it.

Although I had contemplated the traditional methods used for such a thing, I had always found a reason not to take those steps thinking that I was just a coward, and afraid of the pain of it all. I’m not at all sure why that worked in preventing me from going to sleep and not waking up, since I had long been trained through abuse of all kinds to build up a ridiculously high tolerance to pain. 

I had, however, never been able to escape the pain in my heart, and in my mind of knowing that my own mother didn’t love me; ending my life seemed for me a far less traumatic thing- in the grand scheme of things.

And so it was- that as I routinely became so completely overwhelmed with the life  that I lived inside my corrupted brain, and felt the pain in my severely damaged heart (which eventually led to both a five-day long heart attack, and multiple strokes), but more on that later; I would often cry out to God saying WHY GOD!? I know you haven't caused all of this, but I also know that nothing is able to touch me, that doesn’t first have to me- through you! Yes- I think I did realize that I was accusing God of cruelty in pointing out that though he could stop my mom from doing the things she did, as well as the things that would follow, and yet-- he did not; neither did he ever see fit to answer any of my questions- until one day, without warning- he did.

The long sought out moment finally came on a day that was seemingly not unlike any other- except that at that point I had been traveling the United States alone, for over ten years and had trudged through every kind of cold, heat wind, and wave, with only myself and the God I love more than my next breath,  without whom I would be terrified to go on; and yet in that moment I was entirely unsure that I could go on.  Suddenly I saw myself raising my arms into the air, and raising my voice to God- shouting... Why God!? Please tell me WHY!? What did I ever DO to so PISS YOU OFF!?

Suddenly, and without a moment of delay, I heard his answer LOUD and CLEAR; and this is precisely what he said:

No living being, situation or circumstance exists in isolation but is instead affected by many other variables which will ultimately factor into all that we are to become; as much as we might wish it were otherwise- none of us exist separate from situations, circumstances, and events that take place outside of ourselves.

“No man is an island entire of itself” John Donne

Although we were all originally created and known by God even before he had placed us into our mother's womb, who we are, and all that we are to become is not created in a vacuum

I loved BOTH of my parents as much as any child loved their own, and yet somehow, I still loved Daddy MORE. I could not help but forgive everything Mom had ever and would ever do to me from the point of my birth to her passing, even unto this very day.

I had made excuses for her behavior for as long as she lived, and I suppose that I still do- often revisiting in my mind- the horrors that I knew she had personally needed to overcome since her dad who had abandoned her mom and siblings, leaving her, and her most socially functional brother... to support the whole brood that was her family - alone.

None of them, (to my knowledge), ever knew, nor wanted to know anything about God, or his people, the body of Christ- who might have been both willing, and able to help them. In time things had only gotten worse for mom because of all of the “assets” that her mom had determined that she possessed-by way of my mom (given her genuinely remarkable beauty) ...

my grandmother had begun to corral a sordid collection of local men who had verbally “taken notice of mom”, and her own mother began arranging “dates”. for mom - her youngest daughter.

How is it possible then, that even from my birth, I had somehow reminded mom of her own mother to the point that she would begin telling me that I was “just like her” with face awash in hatred, and voice filled with venom from my earliest memory?

In the sum total of my childhood- The only photos taken of me by my mom was one of me crying with a disturbingly swollen, red face, looking to be slightly more than a year old.

Mom had originally taken my sister, brother and I to a church at least one time that I am able to remember, and we were never brought back. Later, and for the rest of our lives in growing up- she made it very clear to us that in her mind ALL CHRISTIANS ARE HYPOCRITES, and that they would judge you while never for a moment looking inward to the “mess” in their own hearts and lives.

I cannot deny that this is true in at least some who attend church, if asked  what I believe today, I would have to admit that this is perhaps even true of many who merely attend church, as if checking a box but I do not believe it to be true of the genuine body of Christ who  actively, daily engage in the life-long process of coming into complete submission to the will of the LORD who is our Savior ONLY because He was willing to go to the cross and personally pay in full for all of our sins- being the ONLY completely spotless, holy and blameless sacrifice in existence with the ability to atone for OUR sins which are many.

On my first trip to church ever- under my own steam however, I am sure that my mom’s theories had already well-and-truly become deeply embedded into my own way of thinking, so I had insisted on sitting on the very last row in the church that morning, only to find out upon arrival that the last few rows were roped off as if being some sort of internal joke amongst the congregation that had been set in place to give the congregants just enough running time to potentially catch those on the fourth row from the back  forward- before they escaped! lol

While I am laughing at this scenario now, in that moment- I was not at all amused!  And so it was that having come in with my best friend and her then fiancé (now and forever since her husband), and his best friend who will now and forevermore be remembered in my mind as Daddy long-legs.  Pam’s fiancé  had  1st stepped into the 4th row on the far right of the very large church, Pam went in behind him, and pulled my arm to follow, then on the isle was- well, you get the picture; it was only too clear from the moment I took my seat that this had been a royal set-up to ensure that I couldn’t run for it the first moment the urge came over me.

My very wise best friend had not merely been thus because she was as cute as the day is long, and it would somehow be good for my image to be seen with her; neither was it because she was a full-on fashion designer from the get-go to the extent that she even designed, and made her own very lavish wedding gown a few years later.  Pam was my best friend because she was my mental match in every way!  Hence the seating setup to which I had only given her a cold, and knowing look, had only been met with the facial version of a WHAT!? followed by an impish grin.

As the service began however, and from the moment that it did (including the worship)... something altogether unexpected began to take shape so that when the Pastor began to speak, and to seemingly lay my entire life bare in front of what seemed to me to be the whole world, I began to genuinely believe that the fix was in, and that somehow- even though there was no possible way that Pam could have known the precise day that I would finally get there in order to then set off the flairs in the heavens above in order that the choir director would lead in the precise songs that I personally needed to hear... and that my heart would begin to swell, and soften immediately, 

so that every single word the Pastor would speak that day- from first to last would seem to be preaching directly to me, with a level of intimate knowledge and genuine compassion that could not even have been possible unless he had lived alongside me for every day of my life-thus far. All of this had from the very first moments become so overwhelmingly startling to me, that I had immediately progressed from thinking Pam had told the Pastor every single thing she knew of me to then coming to understanding that he was outlining things that even she didn’t know... things that ONLY GOD HIMSELF KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT.

And suddenly without warning the realization had swept over me that the very God who had created the Universe with everything and everyone in it- was in this precise moment in time, speaking through this mere man DIRECTLY TO ME having already known that it would be this day that I would actually show up to hear what HE had to say.

And so it was, that in the very moment that the first words of a song I had never heard before began being sung by the congregation “Just as I am without one plea but that thy blood was shed for me....

UP I sprang to my feet and simultaneously leapt over Daddy long-legs lap without a warning nor even so much as an excuse me... and down the row I went RUNNING to the goal line that was seemingly half a football field away.

I then made a left and headed straight for the first man standing at the front and said I don’t know what to do, but I want JESUS, and then without warning dropped to my knees in a heap, and with tears while several men began praying over me and explaining Christ and Salvation simultaneously.

TODAY will be a three-part discussion (which is actually meant to be a discussion), going forward. 

PART ONE for the purposes of clarification:  

The thing we all need most.

When we NEED to call upon a POWER that is greater than our own, a power that is GREATER than any other...
We need to speak the name that is ABOVE every name; we NEED the power that is ONLY in the name that is above EVERY name; we need to be willing to cry out for help to JESUS!

This is where I found myself on the day that I had for the first time found myself very literally facing the demonic realm that I had unwittingly grown up in the midst of' and it is now become precisely the same battle that I find myself fighting today, only this time knowing in my knower that the power that I do not possess is freely found in that same name - the name of my King, my LORD, my Savior and my God... the same yesterday, today and forever, and Jesus is still that all-powerful and almighty great Name that is above every name. found in that same name - the name of my King, my LORD, my Savior and my God... the same yesterday, today and forever!

Today,  we will first revisit the first time I learned about the realm of darkness, which had thoroughly enveloped my home, my family and, by extension, my own life as a child, and up until I had at long last come to the knowledge of the Savior I had known little to nothing of.

We all know that for a citizen of any country to legally leave the country of their origin, being the country of their birth, and to enter into, and/or through any other country on earth- there must be a passport obtained, granting the consent of the country in which one hopes to enter, based upon our proven status in the country from which we are coming.

This process necessarily begins, therefore, by our obtaining and gathering up all of the required documentation in which the quality of our character (based upon the life we have lived thus far in obeying the laws of our parent country), along with other pertinent information, is clearly delineated.

Once we have therefore obtained the passport in question, we are then free to travel at will throughout all the earth, after determining that said countries are safe to enter- again giving all due diligence in observing the laws of the countries into which we wish to travel. 

It very quickly becomes clear to anyone who is paying any attention at all- therefore, that precisely the same level of attention to detail is required when giving up our elegance to the kingdom of this world, and in relinquishing our citizenship in it, while turning to an entirely separate kingdom which is eternal, and which will far outlast the kingdom from which we have come; the passport to which far superior kingdom is found ONLY through the One-true-living-God... Jesus/Yeshua Ha Mashiach is His name.

Immediately upon coming to Christ on that gloriously great day in 1979, and upon returning to the home in which I had grown up, I was promptly slapped hard (as if in the face) by the demonic realm that my mom had introduced into our home, through countless willful acts of engagement in the age-old practices of the demonic realm. 

In no small way because she was so easy to look upon, and being a highly successful and genuinely beautiful woman, she was to become something not unlike a covert secret agent for the realm of darkness because, only such a standout beauty and talent could so easily gain access to the masses through her many charms.

Mom had in her very first year working for the company that she would ultimately retire from, become their first ever female sales team member in what would soon become (in her time with them), the largest furniture store on the West coast of the United States. 

That same year, and every year thereafter- until her THIRD retirement decades later, mom had already become their top salesperson- ever! Within a few short years after she had stayed retired and already been offered and had accepted both raises and bonuses to return from retirement three times, she finally retired about ten years later.  Subsequently, they began closing stores throughout the country one at a time and eventually went out of business altogether.